Hey everyone! This is a subject that I’ve been wanting to discuss with you guys for a while now, and I know it’s not necessarily bookish but it’s important. As the title says: on being burnt out. This is really important for me and it’s also a sensitive issue.
Being burnt out in school, reading, blogging, anything really. What exactly is being “burnt out”? Google says it’s “Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, you begin to lose the interest or motivation that led you to take on a certain role in the first place.”
Why I want to talk about this.
I don’t know if you’ve realized, but I’ve been feeling a bit burnt out. In mostly everything I do. It’s not at a state where I’m not doing anything, since I’m still doing things I normally do, but I just don’t FEEL like doing it anymore. Besides reading–and even that I’ve been doing quite slowly–I’ve been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now.
I don’t really know how to describe it, but I think it may be different for everyone. Because the thing is, right now I’m in a much better state than I was a couple months ago because then I was just sad and tired all the time. Now, I’m happier but I’m just not MOTIVATED, you know? I feel tired emotionally. Even though I have time to do things for fun or work extra hard, I don’t want to do them and I just end up procrastinating.
For me, this applies to almost every aspect of my life. First, of course, starting off with school. Since school started it, I think it’s most expected that I’m mostly burnt out for school-related activities. For example: I don’t feel like doing any work. Especially not extra work, which I should do because if I don’t study beforehand I usually fail. Another thing: I’m not giving all my energy for the work I do. Even at the beginning of the year, I was trying to give my all to my work.
Now, I’m not.
I’m more just “bs-ing” everything, unless it’s studying for a major test. I’m not concentrating so much in class because I feel like everything’s gotten so boring and slow, and even though I’m getting an adequate amount of sleep I feel like sleeping all the time.
I feel like this is mostly because I never get a break during the weekdays. I’m not in any sports, or any non-academic related clubs, and when I come home I don’t do anything for pleasure that’s rewarding. All of my classes are also academic; I don’t take orchestra or theater or anything fun, unfortunately. If I’m lucky and not too tired, I either blog like I’m doing now or I read. Even then, it’s not the same because I can only read or blog for so much without either getting too sleepy or having to not do it because of time.
Why I think I’m burnt out.
Along with the reasons I mentioned above, I think I’m also burnt out because I’m never being rewarded for the things I do. I know it sounds so cheesy, but, it hurts not being recognized for all of the hours I’ve cried over tests I’ve failed. This year, besides Latin which is my favorite class, I did not receive a higher test score than a 90. Considering the fact that I’m pretty sure I studied at least a few hours for each test, well, that’s depressing. (In case you didn’t know I go to a really really competitive math-and-science high school that I had to get into with admissions process and everything.)
In the middle of the year, or the beginning, this was fine. I was like, “Alright, I’ll try again, maybe next time,” and it got me through. But now, I’m nearing the end of the school year, and it still hasn’t happened. My hard work still hasn’t paid off. I’m seeing all of my friends, and I’m so happy for them because they’ve accomplished things, and I still haven’t gotten there. Am I seriously that lazy? Am I seriously that much worse than they are? I don’t think so. But I can’t help but envy everyone around me because everyone’s so much better than me and I just I just can’t sometimes–
These types of thoughts are constantly in my head. Even when I’m happy for someone else, I can’t help but feel a pinch of jealousy because I want to be able to do what they do too. But it seems no matter how hard I try, it’s not working. I feel like I’ve done everything I can but its not working. And I know, there’s only a month and a half left of my freshman year of high school to end, so I’m pulling. I really want to relax a bit, take my mind off school.
But then there’s next year. And if it goes like this…like I’ve said, things have gotten much better. But now I don’t feel motivated anymore. I’m so tired. And I feel like I still don’t belong anywhere. I wish I had done a sport or a club other than something academic, something where I feel comfortable and part of a family. I feel like next year is going to be even worse because the level of classes is going to get comparatively harder and I’m going to be taking AP Biology.
I just hope that I’ll get better over the summer.
How this has affected things other than school.
Well, for one thing, even if I have the time I don’t feel like doing much else. I love blogging but I’m not motivated to do it, which doesn’t make any sense at all.
I also feel like I’m constantly complaining. I’m trying to stop myself, but when I don’t talk I build up my emotions and it gets even worse. Sometimes, I get upset over the smallest things for no specific reason. I feel like crying and I’m emotional. As I am right now.
Anyways, I really want to thank you guys for staying with me even though I’m such an annoying person. I can’t wait until June 23rd, the day school ends. Thank you once again. If you read all of this please tell me because it means so much to me.